Everyone wants to become rich and powerful. Well, almost
everyone- the silent philosopher who sits in the corner unemployed is probably
too busy pondering life’s mysteries to think about that.
I know that I’ve always wanted to own my own company and make it the most powerful business in the world. I used to envision myself in a fancy room from the 1950’s, sitting in those overstuffed leather armchairs with some of the valley’s tycoons. Steve Jobs would be sitting at my right, with his ever so stoic face while Zuckerberg stood in front of the fireplace, tending to a glass of whiskey in his hand. We’d have intelligent conversations, scoffing at the rest of the mortals who were flailing in poverty. But then I’d realize that I was one of those flailing mortals, so I’d go back to reading my Harry Potter book instead. Psh. Pathetic peasants.
Anyone who has lived in the Silicon Valley for most of his or her lives is infected with what I like to call the “valley virus”. The valley is the breeding spot for some of the most successful businesses in the world. Because of this, a lot of people who live here get bitten by the bug of success- we are inspired to start our own businesses and rule the world the way Steve Jobs once did. Hell, through Apple, he still rules most of the world from the grave (may his soul rest in peace).
So, for those of you out there who are living in the valley and itching to start your own company, I’ve created a fail-safe guide to getting your business up there with the tech giants of the Silicon Valley.
1. Come up with a fantastically brilliant idea between the ages of 18 and 20. If you're over the age of 21, you're too old. Sorry.
2. Drop out of college. Or high school. Whichever sort of education system you are currently in at the moment. It won’t do anything but suck money out of you anyways.
3. Find the Steve Wozniak to your Steve Jobs. You need that balance of yin and yang.
4. Create a name for your company. BUT, you must do it “Silicon Valley” style which means: a) the name must be in all lowercase- we Valley people don’t appreciate uppercase letters b) the name must have absolutely nothing to do with your company. You can name it after a fruit. Or after a rainforest. But DO NOT name it after what your company does. That's just plain stupid.
5. Be a dirtbag. A brilliant one- but a dirtbag nonetheless. Nobody can rule in the Valley without asserting authority. And here in the Valley, the only way one can assert authority is by being rude. If you’re not rude by nature, don’t worry- your transformation will happen over time anyways.
6. Steal other companies ideas and designs. We like to keep things interesting.
I know that I’ve always wanted to own my own company and make it the most powerful business in the world. I used to envision myself in a fancy room from the 1950’s, sitting in those overstuffed leather armchairs with some of the valley’s tycoons. Steve Jobs would be sitting at my right, with his ever so stoic face while Zuckerberg stood in front of the fireplace, tending to a glass of whiskey in his hand. We’d have intelligent conversations, scoffing at the rest of the mortals who were flailing in poverty. But then I’d realize that I was one of those flailing mortals, so I’d go back to reading my Harry Potter book instead. Psh. Pathetic peasants.
Anyone who has lived in the Silicon Valley for most of his or her lives is infected with what I like to call the “valley virus”. The valley is the breeding spot for some of the most successful businesses in the world. Because of this, a lot of people who live here get bitten by the bug of success- we are inspired to start our own businesses and rule the world the way Steve Jobs once did. Hell, through Apple, he still rules most of the world from the grave (may his soul rest in peace).
So, for those of you out there who are living in the valley and itching to start your own company, I’ve created a fail-safe guide to getting your business up there with the tech giants of the Silicon Valley.
1. Come up with a fantastically brilliant idea between the ages of 18 and 20. If you're over the age of 21, you're too old. Sorry.
2. Drop out of college. Or high school. Whichever sort of education system you are currently in at the moment. It won’t do anything but suck money out of you anyways.
3. Find the Steve Wozniak to your Steve Jobs. You need that balance of yin and yang.
4. Create a name for your company. BUT, you must do it “Silicon Valley” style which means: a) the name must be in all lowercase- we Valley people don’t appreciate uppercase letters b) the name must have absolutely nothing to do with your company. You can name it after a fruit. Or after a rainforest. But DO NOT name it after what your company does. That's just plain stupid.
5. Be a dirtbag. A brilliant one- but a dirtbag nonetheless. Nobody can rule in the Valley without asserting authority. And here in the Valley, the only way one can assert authority is by being rude. If you’re not rude by nature, don’t worry- your transformation will happen over time anyways.
6. Steal other companies ideas and designs. We like to keep things interesting.
7. Post ads about your company all over the other
Silicon Valley giant’s websites. Yeah, that’s right. You rub it in their faces.
There’s no camaraderie here in the valley. Only war.
8. Make everyone feel inferior to you. You are royalty after all. (Refer to step 5)
9. Finally, make sure that your work place is appealing to the younger generation. They’re the only ones who seem to understand what the tech companies do anyways.
Your first company may not become the next Apple or Facebook, but at least you’ll understand how to work things out. After all, that’s why we live in the Valley. The cement roads radiate innovation. The air reeks of intelligence (although it is sometimes polluted by the dull thoughts of those peasants who do not belong here). The jungle of buildings serves as the delicate infrastructure that houses and protects our fragile programmers from the harsh glare of the sun.
The Silicon Valley is a paradise for independent thinkers who don’t care for the rules. The people here are unique. We are the “round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently…” (Steve Jobs).
So get out there and build something great.
9. Finally, make sure that your work place is appealing to the younger generation. They’re the only ones who seem to understand what the tech companies do anyways.
Your first company may not become the next Apple or Facebook, but at least you’ll understand how to work things out. After all, that’s why we live in the Valley. The cement roads radiate innovation. The air reeks of intelligence (although it is sometimes polluted by the dull thoughts of those peasants who do not belong here). The jungle of buildings serves as the delicate infrastructure that houses and protects our fragile programmers from the harsh glare of the sun.
The Silicon Valley is a paradise for independent thinkers who don’t care for the rules. The people here are unique. We are the “round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently…” (Steve Jobs).
So get out there and build something great.
